Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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