Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
