So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is it penis luge time yet?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
