Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
