you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
