My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
