im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
