His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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