the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
