Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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