lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
