I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
