You can't special order awesome
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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