the condom got lost in my hair
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
