my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
