dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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