u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
