Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
