All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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