totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
