Betty ford says i'm here all night
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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