what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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