My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Floor bacon is actually really good
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
