thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
