My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
