Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
