I can feel you judging me through the phone.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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