On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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