I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize