Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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