i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
