If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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