sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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