someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
