so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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