All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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