so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
