What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
