Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
