The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
