Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize