So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
