Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
