Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
