It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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