too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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