is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
