Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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