please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Never underestimate the power of titties
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
