Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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