I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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