If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
there is glitter all over my balls
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
