he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
