i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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