***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
