guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Even my vagina gasped.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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